Sunday, February 1, 2015

yet more rambling...

A snapshot of what I feel as a parent everyday is guilt. Guilt about not able to feed him as much as I think he needs, get him to sleep, or letting him cry too much. A snapshot of what I feel as an individual everyday is also guilt. Guilty about not working to contribute income to my family, to realize my own potential and ambition. To sum up, I live in a constant state of guilt.

Growing up as a child I rarely saw my parents, I rarely lived with both of them at that same time. I remember every separation. To this day I can say my issues of confidence (more like lack of) is a result of being left behind. My parents did the best they could, we are better off for the sacrifices made as a family, I have no right to judge. But as a child, I vowed to never let my own children be in the same predicament. Fast forward two decades I find myself making sacrifices to fulfill this promise. My child is growing up so fast I tear up thinking about it. He just started pulling himself up last week, in a few more he will be standing firmly, yet a few more he will start his first step. I feel so blessed witnessing his progress and sharing his joy. At the same time I feel incomplete. Most of my days are spent feeding, washing, comforting. No easy task as all mothers know yet I feel my intellect being under utilized, my confidence waning. Not a day passes by without some dissatisfaction about myself as an individual. Years ago I dreamt of having a family, with children, working, and feeling busy and fulfilled. I guess it is naive to want it all, or want it all so early on. I may have to make peace with my present situation for a few years. But as a parent I will have fulfilled my promise to my children, and take part in growing up and growing wise with them.

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