yet more rambling...

A snapshot of what I feel as a parent everyday is guilt. Guilt about not able to feed him as much as I think he needs, get him to sleep, or letting him cry too much. A snapshot of what I feel as an individual everyday is also guilt. Guilty about not working to contribute income to my family, to realize my own potential and ambition. To sum up, I live in a constant state of guilt.

Growing up as a child I rarely saw my parents, I rarely lived with both of them at that same time. I remember every separation. To this day I can say my issues of confidence (more like lack of) is a result of being left behind. My parents did the best they could, we are better off for the sacrifices made as a family, I have no right to judge. But as a child, I vowed to never let my own children be in the same predicament. Fast forward two decades I find myself making sacrifices to fulfill this promise. My child is growing up so fast I tear up thinking about it. He just started pulling himself up last week, in a few more he will be standing firmly, yet a few more he will start his first step. I feel so blessed witnessing his progress and sharing his joy. At the same time I feel incomplete. Most of my days are spent feeding, washing, comforting. No easy task as all mothers know yet I feel my intellect being under utilized, my confidence waning. Not a day passes by without some dissatisfaction about myself as an individual. Years ago I dreamt of having a family, with children, working, and feeling busy and fulfilled. I guess it is naive to want it all, or want it all so early on. I may have to make peace with my present situation for a few years. But as a parent I will have fulfilled my promise to my children, and take part in growing up and growing wise with them.

being a parent

Being a parent is being in a constant state of contradiction. You wish your child can be less sticky, you miss them while they are away. You wish they could fly high and brave, you worry they might fall. My little hair pulling crawler just started roaming the living room free a few days ago. Of course he does not know the perils of navigating the couch and other sharp edges I am so fond of in furnitures. After a few bumps and crying sessions I decided to sacrifice decor for safety, sigh… This is only the beginning of my worries. I am already getting teary eyed thinking one day he will be flying solo.

Just completed these two projects. They are perfect reflections of my state of mind.

the test runs don't look so pretty 

I am skeptical of new year’s resolutions as they usually fizzle out by February. A blog post I came across inspired me to write them again. (http://www.theminimalists.com/apartment/)

Instead of listing out specific goals such as work out x times a week I decided to focus on consumption. In the coming year, I aim to consume with balance.

Consume less. That is an obvious one. In the land of plenty, we have plenty of everything except happiness. By consuming less I hope to appreciate what I have more and derive more happiness from the state of being, instead of having. I believe I am a minimalist at heart. I stray because I am tempted by advertisements, blogs, other people, etc. Eventually I become slave to my belongings. And the pleasure I envisioned I would get from them diminished. This year I will try to consume less; not just material things. Intangible things can impact mental health just as much. Social media (admit it, you feel worse about yourself after a harmless browse session on FB or Instagram), mindless entertainment and negative relationships can drain our energy and confidence.

Consume more. Less obvious, as consumption is usually fraught with negative connotations. I plan to have more family time, read more, strengthen friendships, and enjoy nature more. In general devote more time and effort to having experiences and journeys.

Focus on being, not having. What is your new year’s resolution?

Motherhood, feminism, and other thoughts…

A few months ago I became a mother. I was told motherhood is the ultimate identity for every woman, a rite of passage without which a woman is incomplete. Blessed with an easy pregnancy, I drank the kool aid until honeymoon with bebe ended. I was hit with emotional storms without warning.

Motherhood is beautiful, natural, and intuitive. It is, on a grandiose, abstract level; it is certainly not for a woman learning the ropes and struggling to reacquaint with herself and her body. For a long time, I was waiting to get my life back. Until one day it hit me – life as I knew it is over, I am never getting it back. I was shaken and a little resentful. No one mentioned the sleepless nights (ok, many did, but nothing drives it home better than an alarm going off everyday at 2 am and 6 am reminding me to pump), the challenges of breastfeeding, and the blebs (men, don’t ask). Everyone had an opinion and advice while I was pregnant and after everything happened I was left alone caring for an infant. I felt being lied to, I was lured into the club of motherhood, and now that I am in, the bad and the ugly come out.

There is also the question of division of labor. Yes, we live in the 21^stC. Yes, fathers need to partake in the caring of the infant. But fact is, a man is not equipped with the mechanism or intuition to do that. So no matter how you slice and dice it, mothers become almost the sole caretaker in the early days. Inequality is inevitable. As a mother I accept that. As an individual I am not so ready. Since becoming a mother I have used 1% of my vocabulary and 110% of my patience. And I have stopped thinking about my professional goals altogether. Life is no longer just about me, as some would say. Yet life has not changed as dramatically for my husband. I am no men hater, but I can’t help feeling slightly resentful, after all I am not inferior in education or intelligence. Yet these days I constantly find myself feeling inadequate and incompetent. It is not easy for me to verbalize these thoughts, admit motherhood is not a role I just slip into effortlessly. I judge myself for not able to soothe my child, not able to get him to eat more, sleep more, and for wanting some alone time.

I don’t regret having a child at all. Some day I may have more. I also refuse to think of children as investments. It is a life experience I chose to have and I am blessed to have it. Like anything new it takes getting used to. I just have to concede from now on there will be competing goals and difficult choices. I will try to reconcile that being a mother, while a great privilege, takes sacrifice. You gain some and you lose some (a lot even). Most important I have to stop comparing myself to other mothers (especially those with blogs and cute DIYs) and just be comfortable with being myself and remembering I am taking a journey with my child.

watch your step

Still obsessed with eye themed things...

all eyes on me

Recently I have become obsessed with eyes. Evil eye, watchful eye have religious/cultural significance for certain people. Ever since my mother brought back an evil eye necklace from Istanbul I have become interested in its protective property. Now my obsession with jewelry has extended to accessories and decor.

Does this offer protection from peeping toms?

How about a giant eye watching you enter the house every day?

Keeping watch at the window...

Finally, if all the eyes creep you out the way they used to me, how about these oogly ones?

I had to slip this in, but how cool is a dress with eyes all over? Perv watch?

clean slate

A clean bedroom and closet is essential to peaceful rest and waking up refreshed and ready for inspiration. I love a monotone bedroom, especially white. These pictures are just pure utopia!